A year passed....

A year has passed since Zach's death. 

I'm  not sure where the past year has gone or how I've mustered the strength to do the things I have done and where the strength was when I needed it but didn't have it.

Easter Sunday fell on April 8th this year.  My family and I celebrated Easter by eating at Zach's favorite restaurant, Joe's Crab Shack.  We also purchased and planted several flowers in his garden as well as some little garden "treasures" that reminded us of him.  Each of us spent time crying and laughing as we shared stories about Zach.

April 19th marked 1 year since Zach's funeral.  I felt fortunate to spend that day at Chalene Johnson's PUSH Live event in LA.  Some grieving parents wouldn't dream of doing something so fun on such a sad, sad day.  However, for me, I wanted to do something that would uplift me and in turn uplift my family.  And it did just that.  While I was there I learned a lot...a lot about personal development, a lot about why I'm doing what I'm doing...or not doing.  While there we were asked a question.  I came up with an answer that I've been telling myself is true, even though I know it's not.

The question was:  "Do you believe that "fear" may be holding you back from doing some of the things you know you need to do?"

My answer: "Some.  Maybe if I'm happy people will think I stopped thinking about Zach -- which could NEVER happen.  Maybe others will forget him or not bring up his name because they will think I don't think about him.  Maybe others will forget my amazing and loving son.  That scares me.  I don't want people to forget him and I don't want people to think that I've forgotten him."

I wonder how many other people think this way.  How do we break this train of thought?  If I had the opportunity to call Zach in Heaven today and ask him, "Is it okay if I am 'happy' or do something 'fun'?"  He would say, "YES!!  I'm happy, you should be too."  Instead I sit back and worry about the judgement of other grieving parents and I shouldn't...and neither should you!!

I'm not suggesting that we will "get over our loved ones death".  That's simply not possible.  What I'm suggesting is that we take steps forward to live the best possible life we can and honor our loved ones by helping those who come into our lives. 

I'm writing this today because I want everyone who ever stumbles upon this blog to know, that I am going to live the rest of my life being the best parent, wife, Christian, business owner and friend I can possibly be.  Will I have days of overwhelming sadness?  Most certainly...but I'm also going to allow myself to have days of overwhelming happiness.  I'm going to listen, learn and grow.  I'm going to use my experience and honor my son's memory by helping as many people as I can.  I don't expect it all to come together overnight, but I do expect it to come together as well as it possibly can.

I didn't ask for this "purpose" in my life, but I've learned that if talking to others comes easy for me, which many times it does, then I should do it and I encourage you to do it as well.

When it comes to suicide awareness and prevention...or a cause you believe in, the best asset we have is our mouth and our experience.  I feel it is our responsibility to help those who come into our lives and need us. 

As I do in most every blog, if you are reading this and YOU feel suicidal or that no one cares or have read this thinking, "See my family will be okay after I'm gone."  Please KNOW that, you couldn't be more wrong!  I am not "Okay" without my son.  As a mother, I feel broken.  I probably always will.  I feel as though I have a huge hole in the center of my heart.  I cry out for him, I wish so much I could change the situation I am in.  I hope and pray...I BEG you to reach out for help.  Please don't make a decision that will forever hurt and shatter your family.  YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE!  WE DESERVE TO HAVE YOU!  You are LOVED!  You are NEEDED!  Do you know someone SMILES when they think of you?  It's true!

Please make the call to get help! 

Call 911 or 1-800-273-8255. 

They are there 24 hours a day/7 days a week. 

If YOU know someone who needs help, make that call FOR YOUR FRIEND!!  You will NEVER regret saving his/her life!

- Melissa

Zach's Mom