Today marks 20 years since I gave birth to my son Zachary.
I remember being in labor hour after hour just wishing for my labor to be over.
I wasn't definite on what I was having before he was born, but I had a good idea I was about to have a son.
I was young when I had Zach and a fan of two popular 90's shows. One being 90210 and the other Saved By The Bell. Thus, I named my boy after my favorite characters, Zachary & Dylan.
Seems silly now that I'm a "real adult" and not a 17 year old girl giving birth to her first child, but it's always a fun story to share with people.
I imagine that if Zach were here today he'd probably ask for the latest electronic device or maybe something for his car.
I imagine we'd be with him or planning another trip to see him.
I also imagine him spending most of the day playing around and making sure everyone knew he was no longer a teenager, but an adult...he's now 20 and everyone would know.
I imagine him talking with his friends and probably his dad about how they would have to celebrate his 21st birthday in Vegas. Even though we'd been to Vegas many, many times, Zach often talked about just he and his dad going to Vegas and having fun together.
While imagining all of these things brings a temporary smile to my face I know none of these things could ever happen for Zach and our family.
Zach's decision to end his life on April 8th, 2011 stopped all future event planning with him.
I've spent many hours blaming others for what they did or didn't do. I've spent hours blaming myself for what I did or didn't do. I have revisited mistakes I made as a mother, wondering if ultimately this was all my fault. I've spent hours in counseling and have heard the same thing over and over again...
"This is all normal"..."Your feelings are normal".
Being told everything you're going through is normal, doesn't always make the pain any easier to handle.
My baby boy should be celebrating his 20th birthday today with his friends and family. Instead we mourn his death and pray for healing and peace.
I'd like to remind you that whatever is happening in your life at this moment, good or bad is a moment in your life. Our lives are made up of "moments"...each one passing and soon you're living a new "moment".
Please don't let a bad "moment" dictate your decision to live or die.
What you are going through right now may be the worst thing you can ever imagine going through. I know I feel that way myself. However, you CAN and WILL make it through it. You were given this "moment" to develop who you are and shape your future.
For me, I find that using this "moment", (a "moment" that will last the rest of my life) to help others is the best way to remember my son and honor him.
Not just on the anniversary of his passing or his birthday, but every day.
Whether it be in writing, speaking with someone or simply wearing the Friend of Zach bracelets we had made, I choose to honor his memory by remembering him...the good times as well as the not so good times.
I remember to thank God for blessing my life with him...even if my time with him on earth was cut short, I'm still grateful for every moment I was given.
I give thanks and think about the joy he brought to so many lives.
Does doing this take away the pain?
No.
I truly believe nothing will ever take away the pain and heartache of his death.
However, I can say it does help and it does bring me a sense of "peace" knowing that I'm doing something to honor his memory and his life.
Something to hopefully help others in need so their families don't have to live the life I am living.
Please REACH OUT and help someone you think is in need.
Even if you think they are "only doing it for attention".
IF they are doing this for attention, give it to them. HELP Him/Her.
Make that call - Call 911 or The Suicide Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
If YOU are considering suicide, PLEASE Reach Out for Help!
Call 911 or the Suicide Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
They are there 24 hours day/ 7 days a week.
YOU are LOVED!
You have many more birthday's to celebrate!
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