One of the boxes shipped to me with Zach's journal, a blanket I made him as well as notes and photos.
One of the biggest struggles I've faced is opening the boxes and the suitcase that have been shipped to me or brought to me with Zach's belongings in them.
I have a hard time opening them, smelling his scent...just realizing and facing this is all I have left of him on earth...It's so painful that I can't seem to even open them.
A couple of months ago I spoke to a local quilt shop about creating two quilts for each of Zach's little sisters. I have a small box of his clothing that needs to be washed before the quilts can be made. I haven't been able to bring myself to wash those clothes. My daughters have asked me when I'm going to have them made...one even offered to wash the clothes herself and my response has been tears.
I have made it a goal to wash the clothes and send off the personal items I've promised to others tomorrow, 8/21/11. I've been inspired by watching a program on television where people who have lost loved ones continue to collect items and how destructive the end result can (not always, but can) be. I want the best for my family and I want to follow through with my promise to have these quilts made for my daughters and follow through with sending the personal items I have promised others.
Inside I know that I'll feel better knowing that my girls have their quilts, knowing that all of Zach's belongings are in one spot and not scattered in several different boxes.
I recently taught myself how to create stuffed animals. I told my family that I will create these stuffed animals out of Zach's jeans for them. I know that this will be a tearful and tough process, but I also know my family will love and treasure these "jean animals" and that will bring a smile to my face.
I feel that by avoiding the task, I'm avoiding a part of grieving. A part I need to do.
I feel as though Zach would want me to do this. I know he's not coming back to earth to collect his items. I know I can put his items to good use. I know I don't have to (or will I) get rid of or wash everything. I will do what I can and take a break whenever I need to.
You may be wondering why am I blogging about this. This is the true aftermath of my sons suicide. It's my daily struggle. It's something I know never crossed his mind and may not have ever crossed your mind as part of what's left behind when someone ends their life.
Please use our heartache and your love for others to reach out for help if you need it or be the person to help that friend or family member in need!
If your gut tells you something isn't right it probably isn't.
Make that call!
911 or 1-800-273-TALK
You truly could be saving a life!
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