A New Year...already?

While it feels like the rest of the world is celebrating this New Years Eve, I'm thinking about 2011.

I've said it before and will say it again...A part of my life stopped on April 8th, 2011 and the world continued to move on without me.

Where have the past months gone?

How can it be that Zach's death anniversary is so close?

Will the heartache I feel ever ease up?

What can I do to help others so they don't make the same choice?

So many things have gone through my head today...I just can't believe in less than an hour it will be a new year...

I decided to ask my family if they would like to join me in a special New Years balloon release for Zach.

They did.

We each wrote a note to Zach...

Part of mine read... "I wish I could hold you in my arms."

If you have thought about suicide, please think about this simple sentence.

You may think that no one will miss you, no one would wish to hold you in their arms...I'm here to tell you, you are WRONG.

You are LOVED!  More than you may ever know.

You bring HAPPINESS to those who love and know you!

Things WILL get better!

Please reach out for help.

Please don't make the same decision as Zach and so many others have.

Please read my words, feel my pain and CHOOSE LIFE.

PLEASE ask for help!

Please call 911 or 1-800-273-TALK.

It's a New Year.

Things WILL get better.

You may not feel it right now...but LOVE SURROUNDS YOU!

My hope and goal for 2012 is to spread awareness for suicide prevention and education.

I vow to use my experience, pain and tears to help others.

I hope one of those people is you.

Happy New Year,

Melissa

Zach's Mom 



Six Months Have Passed

Six months have passed since friends, Halee Lucas & Zach Jones left us.

Please take a look at these two beautiful kids and remember that suicide does not discriminate. 

It happens in all races, cliques, ages and religions.

If you or someone you know is suicidal, please do something!

Call 911

Call 1-800-273-HELP ~ Open 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week.

Ask for help...

Be the help someone needs!

Get involved!
Speak up for suicide awareness and prevention!

You could be saving a life!

Forever loved and missed...

Halee Lucas  October 17, 1995 - April 6, 2011

Zachary Jones   April 27, 1992 - April 8, 2011

A Pain You Can't Wash Away

Yesterday I made a goal to wash Zachary's clothing for the quilts I've promised to have made for my daughters. I also told myself to take out the items I've promised other family members...I blogged how the day went.

9:15 am

I start out the day with energy…I put the clean clothes away and set Zach’s box, suitcase and bag of clothing aside.

Instead of starting a wash of Zach’s belongings, I decide to wash some other clothes…

Noon:I opened up the Home Depot box with the blanket I made Zach and the electric blanket we gave him for Christmas last year. The box also held his journal, several notes to and from his friends.

I felt anxious as I went through it. I read a few of his words from his journal and had to close it. Seeing the despair he felt was too overwhelming for me to read right now. I read a couple of notes he received and a poem he wrote to his friend Halee who passed away 2 days before he did.

I pulled the blanket out that I made him and took a big whiff of it. The smell of cologne, cigarette smoke and "pure boy" were still there. The small zebra pillow that his youngest sister gave him was packed in with the blanket. I had already given and washed the 2nd pillow to her and thought I would save this one. I carried the two items to the wash machine, took a couple of photographs and closed the door. As the water began to run, I sat in front of the washer and the tears began to pour.

My husband joined me and we talked about Zach and how sad we are. I cried, “I just wish he’d come home.”

As I walked out of the laundry room I notice my hands smell like Zach. I feel as though he is with me, watching me and has his arm around me, helping me with this.

This process is one of the hardest I’ve ever had to force myself to do.

1:02 pm.

The blanket and pillow are finished washing. I’m about to put them in the dryer. I’m happy I will be able to use the blanket tonight. I smile when I think about how protective Zach was over this blanket. I know I will treasure this blanket forever.

The next task may not be as easy…it’s time to wash Zach’s clothing. I’m washing it so it can be taken into the quilt shop and my daughters can have the quilts made that I’ve promised them.

The importance of all of this is that I live in an area where wild fires are prevalent and can destroy homes and belongings in a matter of minutes. I know that my girls can grab a blanket on their way out of our home if there’s time, but we as a family would not have enough time to grab boxes, bags and a suitcase full of Zach’s items in the event of a fire. I know that by having all of Zach’s most recent belongings and the items he felt were most important to him in one suitcase/box or bag would be easier to save in the event of a fire.

Most of Zach’s clothes are now in the washer. I cried while unpacking his shirts. I placed the shirts on the laundry room floor, took photos and started the washing machine. I watched the first few minutes of the cycle and left the room.

While going through some of his things I found lots of coins, which he loved. I also found notes, bottle caps, body jewelry and other various things he had collected. Some things brought a slight smile to my face…other things brought tears to my eyes.

It’s now 3:35 pm and I’ve decided to stop sorting through Zachary’s belongings for the day. I'm almost done going through them, but am stopping short of completing the box of items that are full of cards, letters, mementos, and the items we received from the funeral home. I will go through those items this week.

I don't have to write it for you to know that dealing with the suicide of my son is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I/WE (every one of us in my family are deeply hurting) have ever dealt with.

As I've stated before, it is my hope that by sharing my heartache and my journey of grief, you will reach out for help or reach out and help someone that needs it in your life.

It's not just a box to me...

One of the boxes shipped to me with Zach's journal, a blanket I made him as well as notes and photos.

One of the biggest struggles I've faced is opening the boxes and the suitcase that have been shipped to me or brought to me with Zach's belongings in them. 

I have a hard time opening them, smelling his scent...just realizing and facing this is all I have left of him on earth...It's so painful that I can't seem to even open them.

A couple of months ago I spoke to a local quilt shop about creating two quilts for each of Zach's little sisters.  I have a small box of his clothing that needs to be washed before the quilts can be made.  I haven't been able to bring myself to wash those clothes.  My daughters have asked me when I'm going to have them made...one even offered to wash the clothes herself and my response has been tears.

I have made it a goal to wash the clothes and send off the personal items I've promised to others tomorrow, 8/21/11.  I've been inspired by watching a program on television where people who have lost loved ones continue to collect items and how destructive the end result can (not always, but can) be.  I want the best for my family and I want to follow through with my promise to have these quilts made for my daughters and follow through with sending the personal items I have promised others. 

Inside I know that I'll feel better knowing that my girls have their quilts, knowing that all of Zach's belongings are in one spot and not scattered in several different boxes.

I recently taught myself how to create stuffed animals.  I told my family that I will create these stuffed animals out of Zach's jeans for them.  I know that this will be a tearful and tough process, but I also know my family will love and treasure these "jean animals" and that will bring a smile to my face. 

I feel that by avoiding the task, I'm avoiding a part of grieving.  A part I need to do.

I feel as though Zach would want me to do this.  I know he's not coming back to earth to collect his items.  I know I can put his items to good use.  I know I don't have to (or will I) get rid of or wash everything.  I will do what I can and take a break whenever I need to. 

You may be wondering why am I blogging about this.  This is the true aftermath of my sons suicide.  It's my daily struggle.  It's something I know never crossed his mind and may not have ever crossed your mind as part of what's left behind when someone ends their life.

Please use our heartache and your love for others to reach out for help if you need it or be the person to help that friend or family member in need! 

If your gut tells you something isn't right it probably isn't. 

Make that call! 

911 or 1-800-273-TALK

You truly could be saving a life!

Common Misconceptions About Suicide

"People who talk about suicide won't really do it."

Not True. Almost everyone who commits or attempts suicide has given some clue or warning. Do not ignore suicide threats. Statements like "you'll be sorry when I'm dead," "I can't see any way out," -- no matter how casually or jokingly said, may indicate serious suicidal feelings.

"Anyone who tries to kill him/herself must be crazy."

Not True. Most suicidal people are not psychotic or insane. They may be upset, grief-stricken, depressed or despairing, but extreme distress and emotional pain are always signs of mental illness and are not signs of psychosis.

"If a person is determined to kill him/herself, nothing is going to stop him/her."

Not True. Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, and most waver until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to die. Most suicidal people do not want to die; they want the pain to stop. The impulse to end it all, however overpowering, does not last forever.

"People who commit suicide are people who were unwilling to seek help."

Not True. Studies of suicide victims have shown that more then half had sought medical help within six month before their deaths and a majority had seen a medical professional within 1 month of their death.

"Talking about suicide may give someone the idea."

Not True. You don't give a suicidal person morbid ideas by talking about suicide. The opposite is true -- bringing up the subject of suicide and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Source - Click to read more from SAVE.org

If you are in a suicide crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

*Please note* We are NOT professional therapists or grief counselors!  We are only here to provide articles and resources we have found to be helpful in dealing with our own grief.  If you or someone you know is considering suicide - PLEASE seek PROFESSIONAL help IMMEDIATELY!

Call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255!