It's not just a box to me...

One of the boxes shipped to me with Zach's journal, a blanket I made him as well as notes and photos.

One of the biggest struggles I've faced is opening the boxes and the suitcase that have been shipped to me or brought to me with Zach's belongings in them. 

I have a hard time opening them, smelling his scent...just realizing and facing this is all I have left of him on earth...It's so painful that I can't seem to even open them.

A couple of months ago I spoke to a local quilt shop about creating two quilts for each of Zach's little sisters.  I have a small box of his clothing that needs to be washed before the quilts can be made.  I haven't been able to bring myself to wash those clothes.  My daughters have asked me when I'm going to have them made...one even offered to wash the clothes herself and my response has been tears.

I have made it a goal to wash the clothes and send off the personal items I've promised to others tomorrow, 8/21/11.  I've been inspired by watching a program on television where people who have lost loved ones continue to collect items and how destructive the end result can (not always, but can) be.  I want the best for my family and I want to follow through with my promise to have these quilts made for my daughters and follow through with sending the personal items I have promised others. 

Inside I know that I'll feel better knowing that my girls have their quilts, knowing that all of Zach's belongings are in one spot and not scattered in several different boxes.

I recently taught myself how to create stuffed animals.  I told my family that I will create these stuffed animals out of Zach's jeans for them.  I know that this will be a tearful and tough process, but I also know my family will love and treasure these "jean animals" and that will bring a smile to my face. 

I feel that by avoiding the task, I'm avoiding a part of grieving.  A part I need to do.

I feel as though Zach would want me to do this.  I know he's not coming back to earth to collect his items.  I know I can put his items to good use.  I know I don't have to (or will I) get rid of or wash everything.  I will do what I can and take a break whenever I need to. 

You may be wondering why am I blogging about this.  This is the true aftermath of my sons suicide.  It's my daily struggle.  It's something I know never crossed his mind and may not have ever crossed your mind as part of what's left behind when someone ends their life.

Please use our heartache and your love for others to reach out for help if you need it or be the person to help that friend or family member in need! 

If your gut tells you something isn't right it probably isn't. 

Make that call! 

911 or 1-800-273-TALK

You truly could be saving a life!

Apartment 8

Apartment 8

As I decide to walk up to the door of Apartment 8 I think about and remember when Zach moved in.

He was so happy to finally have his own apartment.

I remember how messy the apartment was when he moved in.

He spent a lot of time cleaning and vacuuming the apartment to make it his own.

I remember his phone call telling me about his first meal in this apartment...

Gummy worms and a Monster drink....on a plate.

We laughed at what a meal that was.

Zach didn't care

He was just happy to have his own place.

A month later my sister fell ill and I traveled back to MN to see her and Zach

I was excited to see Zach's first apartment and to do some shopping for him

When I walked into his apartment I see the air mattress he had bought me.  He had made it up with blankets and pillows. 

To my surprise his apartment was clean and ready for mom's visit.

That night we went to Walmart and bought a variety of home items.

I had fun putting things away while he set up his DVD player for a night of movies.

As I walked out of the bathroom from taking a shower, there was a bag of my favorite candy (Nibs) lying on my bed.

He was always so thoughtful.

We watched a couple of movies...one being one of Zach's favorite childhood movies, "Fern Gully".

His girlfriend had joined us and we were all having a nice time together.

Before going to bed I wrote out several notes to Zach...

All telling him how much I love him and how proud I was of him.

I hid them throughout his apartment.

Leaving Apartment 8 I would have never guessed it'd be the one and only time I'd see Zach in his apartment.

On April 8th, in Apartment 8, my son ended his life.

As I walked up the stairs I thought about the chaos that must have been going on that day.

A teenage boy walks in to find my son.

A call to 911 to take his body.

I thought about the body bag and stretcher that was used to take my son out of his apartment for the last time.

I touched the door handle in hopes of feeling Zach's hand.

I ran my hand down the hand rail hoping I would hear his laugh and feel his presence.

I don't think my son ever imagined the amount of pain that would be left behind when he made that fateful decision.

I cry and I hurt...we all do.

I hope that someone else will read this and reconsider any thoughts of suicide.  The pain left behind is immeasurable.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, PLEASE reach out for help!

Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among young people aged 15-24.

Reach out for help.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Be the help your friend or family member needs.

Make that call ~ That call may save a life!