A Pain You Can't Wash Away

Yesterday I made a goal to wash Zachary's clothing for the quilts I've promised to have made for my daughters. I also told myself to take out the items I've promised other family members...I blogged how the day went.

9:15 am

I start out the day with energy…I put the clean clothes away and set Zach’s box, suitcase and bag of clothing aside.

Instead of starting a wash of Zach’s belongings, I decide to wash some other clothes…

Noon:I opened up the Home Depot box with the blanket I made Zach and the electric blanket we gave him for Christmas last year. The box also held his journal, several notes to and from his friends.

I felt anxious as I went through it. I read a few of his words from his journal and had to close it. Seeing the despair he felt was too overwhelming for me to read right now. I read a couple of notes he received and a poem he wrote to his friend Halee who passed away 2 days before he did.

I pulled the blanket out that I made him and took a big whiff of it. The smell of cologne, cigarette smoke and "pure boy" were still there. The small zebra pillow that his youngest sister gave him was packed in with the blanket. I had already given and washed the 2nd pillow to her and thought I would save this one. I carried the two items to the wash machine, took a couple of photographs and closed the door. As the water began to run, I sat in front of the washer and the tears began to pour.

My husband joined me and we talked about Zach and how sad we are. I cried, “I just wish he’d come home.”

As I walked out of the laundry room I notice my hands smell like Zach. I feel as though he is with me, watching me and has his arm around me, helping me with this.

This process is one of the hardest I’ve ever had to force myself to do.

1:02 pm.

The blanket and pillow are finished washing. I’m about to put them in the dryer. I’m happy I will be able to use the blanket tonight. I smile when I think about how protective Zach was over this blanket. I know I will treasure this blanket forever.

The next task may not be as easy…it’s time to wash Zach’s clothing. I’m washing it so it can be taken into the quilt shop and my daughters can have the quilts made that I’ve promised them.

The importance of all of this is that I live in an area where wild fires are prevalent and can destroy homes and belongings in a matter of minutes. I know that my girls can grab a blanket on their way out of our home if there’s time, but we as a family would not have enough time to grab boxes, bags and a suitcase full of Zach’s items in the event of a fire. I know that by having all of Zach’s most recent belongings and the items he felt were most important to him in one suitcase/box or bag would be easier to save in the event of a fire.

Most of Zach’s clothes are now in the washer. I cried while unpacking his shirts. I placed the shirts on the laundry room floor, took photos and started the washing machine. I watched the first few minutes of the cycle and left the room.

While going through some of his things I found lots of coins, which he loved. I also found notes, bottle caps, body jewelry and other various things he had collected. Some things brought a slight smile to my face…other things brought tears to my eyes.

It’s now 3:35 pm and I’ve decided to stop sorting through Zachary’s belongings for the day. I'm almost done going through them, but am stopping short of completing the box of items that are full of cards, letters, mementos, and the items we received from the funeral home. I will go through those items this week.

I don't have to write it for you to know that dealing with the suicide of my son is the hardest and most heartbreaking thing I/WE (every one of us in my family are deeply hurting) have ever dealt with.

As I've stated before, it is my hope that by sharing my heartache and my journey of grief, you will reach out for help or reach out and help someone that needs it in your life.