Thursday, January 3, 2013

My Letter to You

Dear Reader,
First I want to apologize for my absence.  Part of it was due to my work schedule and part of it was due to my own pain of facing the holidays for the second time without my son Zachary.
Probably not very "professional", but I, like most of you am a regular person, living the life I am now forced to live without my son and sometimes it's hard to be open...especially when all you want to say is...
"This isn't fair!" 
"This isn't right!"
"I just want my child back!"
"Why? Why? Why?"
I'm not sure why, but this holiday season was much harder than the first.  I thought it would be easier, but it was much, much harder.  I spoke with others about this and they agreed that the second holiday was harder than the first.  Maybe it's because the first feels like they are away, but you have that feeling that they're still coming back...and by the second you realize that your loved one isn't coming back and this is now your holiday celebration.  I don't know...I can't really explain that feeling. 
I also felt a bit out of touch.  As though I didn't really want to put myself out there over this holiday season.  I spent a lot of time keeping myself as busy as I possibly could.  Probably not the "right" way to handle the pain, but it's what came natural and got me through.

I hope you understand and continue to watch for my future blog posts and check in with us at Facebook.  
I appreciate your time, apologize for my absence and thank you for being here.  
Zach's Mom


  1. I am in tears as I read through your blog. I do not know you, nor did I know your son. But I, too, lost a son to suicide. 22, loving, WONDERFUL father to a 1 1/2 year old daughter, great son, and supportive brother. I, too, do not yet know "why", and will never know. He was not a drug or alcohol abuser, his daughter was his world, but he did struggle with employment. I wish he would have called..someone..anyone. But he didnt.. Now, his daughter is 6, and can only "imagine" what her daddy was like, as we tell her stories about how much he loved her, what kind of silly person he was, always making people laugh, and sharing pictures with her. My pain has not lessened, and it has been almost 5 years. Not one day goes by I dont think of him, and wish he would come back. I long for his laugh, his smile, his hugs... and miss them dearly. It is sad to see how many other Moms share this grief with me. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone, friend or foe. Your stories are an inspiration, and I wish I had his things to share. He was living at his grams and by the time I got my wits together to go to his room, his dad and other family had gone through it, and completely emptied it. All I got out of it was his poem book, a couple hoodies, and a hat. These are all I have now of my son and wish I had more of his clothing to do a quilt, his pennies to toss in fountains, and blankets to smell his scent. I love reading your stories and find strength in your words and poems. Thank you, again, for sharing all this with us, the mothers of lost souls. My prayers are with your family

  2. I just found your blog and am so sorry for you loss. I started my own blog,, after my attempt, which I miraculously survived. I would love to guest post any time. Feel free to contact me at my blog.