I NEVER THOUGHT
I never thought I'd meet my best friend during inpatient treatment fighting
for our lives.
I never thought I'd find someone who would help me fight my demons while
they were fighting theirs.
I never thought I'd bury my best friend on my 18th birthday.
i never thought it'd be almost 10 years later and I've still not made sense
of why.
Brandy and i met at Texas Children's Hospital in early 2001 where we were
both being treated for severe eating disorders. While most of our days were
full of strictly monitored events, we became incredibly close during our
down time. We shared our life stories with each other, our dreams and goals,
what our lives were like back home (we lived 2 hours away from each other),
and what landed us with the life threatening eating disorders we were
fighting. While there were other patients in our group, it was Brandy and I
against the world. We WERE going to conquer the world once we got out of
the hospital.
We spend much of the following summer together - visiting each other at
home, going down to the bay, hanging at the beach, hanging out with our
friends and dreading the start of a new school year. i was going into my
senior year and Brandy her junior. we knew we'd both be busy with our
friends, school & activities, but promised to talk at least once a day.
September 17, 2001. I woke up this Monday morning super excited about this
week - i was turning 18 on Wednesday!!!! This day started like any other -
went to school, out to lunch with my group of girl friends, home to tackle
homework and hang out. Around dinner time, i get a call from Brandy!
yay!!!!! she was supposed to find out whether or not she had won class
treasurer so i was super exited to hear how her day went. "Hey girl!
So.....did ya win?!?!!!!!" Silence. Absolute silence. Silence for what
felt like years but I'm sure was just moments. Brandy's dad was on the
other line and very sternly (totally out of character) asks to speak with my
parents. My heart sank. I ran downstairs, handed my mom the phone, ran to
my dad and said "she's gone".
And she was.
My best friend was gone. My best friend had shot herself in the head and
was gone. Why? I'll never know. I still ask myself that question. I
still wonder why she didn't go to anyone or make any comments to set off any
alarms.
I'll never forget my 18th birthday, sitting in the most beautiful Catholic
church looking up at her casket bawling ; at the cemetery as her casket was
lowered into the ground; as we just sat there in silence. My best friend
was gone. All of the hopes and dreams and goals she had set for
herself were no longer an option. Brandy had left so many people
heartbroken. Myself included.
This September 17 marks the 10th anniversary of Brandy's death. Not
something to celebrate. Every birthday of hers that passes makes me wonder,
"what could've been?", "where would she be?", "where would she be?", "what
would she be doing?", "WHY DID SHE LEAVE?!?!?"
I'll never know why my sweet friend left. To this day it pains me not
knowing why she left. My daughter is named after her & has Brandy's
pictures in her room. We were supposed to fight together. But clearly
Brandy had demons larger than any one of us knew of.
*SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER*!!! There are so many people out there who care
and who want to help! I know that there are times when we all feel like
we're alone and that there's no good way out of this but THERE IS!!!! There
is life outside of this terrible black hole. Just know that you are not
alone. No matter what you're going through at a certain time, someone else
in the world is going through the same thing. Just reach out and ask for
help! People care! More than you'll ever know! There are far too many
resources out there and far too many people that care for you to just make
such a costly decision.
Two things that I'll end with -
Faith, Hope and Love (in the end, these three things matter most)
The sweetest things in life come to us through tears and pain.
You're more important than you think you are.
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