Zach & I - Feb. 2011 - 2 months before his decision to end his life.
It's been 14 months since Zach's death.
It's strange how grieving wraps it's tight grip around you and different times.
Last month I would have said, "I'm doing okay...I think I'm nearing the acceptance stage."
This month I'd say, "I'm angry. Very angry!"
This month...only 8 days in has been internal torture for me.
I'm angry, I talk with language like a "truck driver" and everything makes me mad. This is a very strange emotion for me because by nature, I'm laid back, caring and loving.
However, so far this month I feel like I need a warning sign that says
"Talk to me at your own risk!"
I'm very open about my therapy and talked to my grief counselor about these feelings. To my relief she reminded me that this is totally normal, that grief has a funny way of tricking us into thinking we are further along than we are.
Before I lost my son or even in the beginning months of grieving I thought that by the 1 year mark all would be okay. I'd be through acceptance and only be sad on the anniversary of his death, his birthday and holidays.
WHOA! Was I wrong!
We are grieving the loss of a FAMILY MEMBER...and not just any family member, our son...my daughter's brother.
This is not the same grief as losing our 90 year old grandpa who died in his sleep.
This is the grief of the sudden suicide of my 18 year old son.
My son...the boy I talked to just a few hours before his death.
The son who told me he would NEVER end his life.
The imagined images of the scene of his death are horrifying and haunt me.
I speak of them to only those closest to me.
The pain I see in not only myself, but my husband and my daughters is that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
When people say, "I can't imagine..." It's true.
You can't.
It's worse than you can imagine and I would recommend you don't even allow your mind to go into that deep, dark place.
I write Zach from time to time.
I water his garden and watch the flowers grow.
It reminds me that life continues.
Through all the pain and heartache, I know life continues.
We will continue to grow...even when we're angry.
We will continue to thrive.
We will also continue to hurt and cry and this I have accepted as part of my new "normal".
Today I write to remind those of you who are considering suicide that there IS HOPE! Even when you feel there is none, there IS!
Don't know where to turn?
Call 1-800-273-8255 and ask!
It's the Suicide Hotline and they are open 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week.
If you are a friend of someone who is suicidal...make that call.
Find out what you can do to help!
Today, I wish I could see my son...even for a moment.
A moment to remind him how much we love him.
A moment to hug him.
A moment to feel him.
A moment to hear him.
A moment to see him.
I hope and pray that if you are reading this and feeling suicidal you will reach out for help.
Please KNOW that you are loved beyond measure!
You have a purpose...even if you don't know what that purpose is, you have one!
Fulfill your purpose!
Live your life!
Reach out for help!
Please...from a grieving mother, please reach out for help or help someone in need!
My love goes out to each of you reading this,
Melissa
Zach's Mom
