What a Grieving Child Wants

1) I want someone who will listen to me when I speak and not tell me that what I’m saying is wrong or that I shouldn’t be feeling what I feel.

2) I want someone who will talk to me, honestly and with compassion. I don’t want to be talked at or ignored.

3) I want people to understand that I, along with my parents and other family members, have lost someone I love very much.

4) I don’t want my pain compared to my mother’s or father’s. You may think they feel worse than I do, but unless you are me today, going through this terrible nightmare, you don’t know how I feel.

5) I want my teachers to understand that even though it may not seem like it, I am doing the best I can. It’s hard for me to focus on schoolwork or anything else right now. But how can I tell you about my sorrow and fears and confusion, when I’m not sure myself what’s going on?

6) I want someone to look me in the eye when they speak to me.

7) I don’t want anyone telling me I have to be strong for my mother, father, sisters, brother, or anyone else. I don’t know what that means. Are you telling me I shouldn’t cry? Are you telling me I shouldn’t feel? When someone so important to me has died, what does being strong mean?

8) I want someone to tell me what it is like to grieve. I want someone who will help me understand what this is and if I will survive.

9) I want to talk to someone my own age so that I will know I am not the only one and that I will survive.

10) And most of all, I want your unconditional love, compassions, understanding, and patience.

-Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D., CT, 12-12-02

A Time To Grieve Book 1 - My Review

A few months back my sister sent me a series of books called A Time To Grieve by Kenneth C. Haugk.  It's a set of four short books that are to be given to grieving people at four crucial times during the first year after a loved one has passed.  Each book focuses on what the person is likely to be experiencing at that point in grief and provides care, assurance, encouragement and hope.

 I thought I was ready to read these books when I received them, but I wasn't.  I opened book 1 only to close it a page or so in. 

I simply wasn't ready. 

A couple of days ago I decided to try it again...and to my surprise I was ready.

Most people could finish this little faith based booklet in an hour or two, but being the note taker I am, it took me two sittings to finish the book.

Book 1 explains some of the things we experience in grief, some myths and some of the feelings that seem so strange.  It also talks about the pressure to be strong and what affects our grief. 

While the books are meant to be given to a grieving person throughout the first year of their grief, it's my opinion that these books are appropriate to give at any stage of grief.

I'm nearly 14 months into my grief and for me, reading book 1 now was the perfect time.  Some of the information was repetitive from what I've learned in online grieving groups and therapy, but some of it was new information or information I hadn't really thought about.

I related most to the "The Fog of Grief".  This short chapter speaks about how we accidentally injure ourselves more and seem to live in a fog.  This was a difficult time for me...I had bruises on my legs, cuts on my fingers, earaches, constant headaches, my nails were chewed down (which is something I've never done) and I forgot even the most simple tasks. 

I felt as though I was going crazy.

Now, while I still have "foggy days", for the most part I'm past that stage.

I feel that if the other three books are similar to this one (I will write a review for each as I read them) they are an asset to anyone grieving the loss of a loved one.  I also think they can be helpful to those who are just trying to understand what a grieving friend or family member may be going through.

Below are a few snippets from book 1. 

This series is available at Stephen Ministries: http://www.stephenministries.org/On_Line_Store/viewitem.cfm?View=1,30&ItemID=458&CatID=247

This book review was done of my own free will.  I was not compensated or asked to provide this review.

 

Growing Rate Of Suicides Among Senior Citizens

Statistics on Senior Suicide

* Most Americans are unaware of the high rate of suicide among senior citizens, and researchers at the University of Iowa College of Medicine have issued a wake-up call for the elderly, their families, caregivers, and physicians. Although older Americans make up about 13 percent of the population, they account for nearly 20 percent of all suicides. An estimated five million of the 32 million people 65 and older suffer from depression. They are a more determined group to act and they use more lethal methods.
(http://depression.about.com/od/drugsalcohol/a/alcoholanddep_2.htm)

*****

* Although older adults attempt suicide less often than other age groups, they are more likely to die from the attempt. The suicide rate is highest for adults 75 years of age and older.

(http://www.trumbull211.org/awarenessprevention.asp)

*****

* There is one senior adult suicide every 99 minutes.

 84% of senior adult suicides are men.

  The suicide rate is highest for adults 75 years of age and older.

  Only a fraction (2-4%) of suicide victims have been diagnosed with a terminal illness at the time of their death.

  As many as 75% of depressed older Americans are not receiving proper mental health treatment, placing them at an increased rate of suicide.
(http://www.trumbull211.org/awarenessprevention.asp)

*****

* In Orange County California, 57 people over the age of 65 died by suicide in 2010. These suicides account for 23% of the county's self-inflicted deaths for the year.

In 90% of suicide cases involving people over the age of 65, psychological autopsies show clinical depression, said Charles Reynolds, an aging expert with the University of Pittsburgh.

(http://articles.latimes.com/2011/jan/18/local/la-me-elderly-suicides-20110118)

*****

* The National Institute of Mental Health reported the most recent U. S. suicide rate within the general population as 10.9 per 100,000, while the rate of those aged 65 years and older is 14.3 per 100,000.

(http://www.urbanhousecallmagazine.com/unmasking-suicide-rates-in-the-elderly/)

*****

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, immediately call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). 

For additional information on aging issues including locating eldercare, contact the Administration on Aging at 1-202-619-0724 or 1-800-677-1116.

Statistics were gathered from the website links placed below each statistic.

Statistics posted are accurate as of the year the article was printed.

Photograph from Google Images.

My Story Published by The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

I received an e-mail from Jessica V. from the west coast chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention asking if I'd be interested in sharing my story with their subscribers for Mother's Day. 

While it was a bit difficult to write, the response I received following it's publication, made each tear I cried while writing it worth it.

Below is the link to my story.  I encourage you to talk and share your story.  You never know who's life you are impacting and quite possibly saving!

http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=d759klcab&v=001i_oc2EXSXOtDcyK3wlyS5fuNTeqvqmHDQri5mFVztNfjZEeGJMcIH_r1fmPUl6wPed8ds4zWdnxwAmrIapp_4UVVzUB27C5Zzw60uBIIHNNhUdnTqhGpx__1AOFY34fTL1R4cij8YdmMGYnnyQPhJg%3D%3D

My thanks to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for reaching out to me and sharing my story. 

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts

PLEASE reach our for help or be the help your loved one needs.

Call 1-800-273-TALK or 911



Balloon Release in Memory of Zach

We ended Zach's birthday by releasing 20 Birthday Balloons to Heaven.

We each took a turn sending a single balloon to Heaven, then we all gathered together and released the rest of them all at once.

It was beautiful watching them continue to rise.

I like to imagine Zach receiving them in Heaven.

Happy Birthday my lovely son.

We MISS you and LOVE you so much!

Happy Birthday Zach

Today marks 20 years since I gave birth to my son Zachary.

I remember being in labor hour after hour just wishing for my labor to be over.

I wasn't definite on what I was having before he was born, but I had a good idea I was about to have a son.

I was young when I had Zach and a fan of two popular 90's shows.  One being 90210 and the other Saved By The Bell.  Thus, I named my boy after my favorite characters, Zachary & Dylan.

Seems silly now that I'm a "real adult" and not a 17 year old girl giving birth to her first child, but it's always a fun story to share with people.

I imagine that if Zach were here today he'd probably ask for the latest electronic device or maybe something for his car.

I imagine we'd be with him or planning another trip to see him.

I also imagine him spending most of the day playing around and making sure everyone knew he was no longer a teenager, but an adult...he's now 20 and everyone would know.

I imagine him talking with his friends and probably his dad about how they would have to celebrate his 21st birthday in Vegas.  Even though we'd been to Vegas many, many times, Zach often talked about just he and his dad going to Vegas and having fun together.

While imagining all of these things brings a temporary smile to my face I know none of these things could ever happen for Zach and our family.

Zach's decision to end his life on April 8th, 2011 stopped all future event planning with him.

I've spent many hours blaming others for what they did or didn't do.  I've spent hours blaming myself for what I did or didn't do.  I have revisited mistakes I made as a mother, wondering if ultimately this was all my fault.  I've spent hours in counseling and have heard the same thing over and over again...

"This is all normal"..."Your feelings are normal".

Being told everything you're going through is normal, doesn't always make the pain any easier to handle.

My baby boy should be celebrating his 20th birthday today with his friends and family.  Instead we mourn his death and pray for healing and peace.

I'd like to remind you that whatever is happening in your life at this moment, good or bad is a moment in your life.  Our lives are made up of "moments"...each one passing and soon you're living a new "moment".

Please don't let a bad "moment" dictate your decision to live or die.

What you are going through right now may be the worst thing you can ever imagine going through.  I know I feel that way myself. However, you CAN and WILL make it through it.  You were given this "moment" to develop who you are and shape your future.

For me, I find that using this "moment", (a "moment" that will last the rest of my life) to help others is the best way to remember my son and honor him. 

Not just on the anniversary of his passing or his birthday, but every day.

Whether it be in writing, speaking with someone or simply wearing the Friend of Zach bracelets we had made, I choose to honor his memory by remembering him...the good times as well as the not so good times.

I remember to thank God for blessing my life with him...even if my time with him on earth was cut short, I'm still grateful for every moment I was given.

I give thanks and think about the joy he brought to so many lives.

Does doing this take away the pain?

No.

I truly believe nothing will ever take away the pain and heartache of his death. 

However, I can say it does help and it does bring me a sense of "peace" knowing that I'm doing something to honor his memory and his life.

Something to hopefully help others in need so their families don't have to live the life I am living.

Please REACH OUT and help someone you think is in need.

Even if you think they are "only doing it for attention".

IF they are doing this for attention, give it to them.  HELP Him/Her.

Make that call - Call 911 or The Suicide Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

If YOU are considering suicide, PLEASE Reach Out for Help!

Call 911 or the Suicide Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

They are there 24 hours day/ 7 days a week.

YOU are LOVED!

You have many more birthday's to celebrate!